Dear Past Love, Letter #5

I’ve been recently thinking of all the things I left unsaid, when my tongue was painfully twisted, as it tried to adapt to the concept of saying the words ‘I love you’ for the last time. And when my tongue relaxed, the impulse to hug you goodbye kept me rooted in place, as I knew that hug would burn all the parts of my skin that you have touched. Because my dark brown eyes held comfort, and you took that comfort unconditionally and without reparation.

I do not regret giving you the love that I did.

The warm arms on a cold day/ The soft kiss, in which you chose to drown yourself for a few minutes/ The encouraging whisper of someone who chanted your greatness, when the world howled about the weakest parts of you/ The availability of love

You needed it then.

But a part of me will always resent the commodified love that you returned. You were selfish. Your presence a receipt for accepting my love. You saw a girl who wanted to be needed, and got her adrenaline pumping at the thought of giving you all that she had. And the day that I needed some of that love back, you were nowhere to be found. So I thought about our 4am conversations, when you'd say that ‘I was the greatest thing in your life’...and then thought that without you by my side, I needed to be the greatest thing in my life too.

I stopped calling, and texting, and showing up. I nurtured the little strength I had left, and tried to fill the empty feeling you left within me, without expecting your smile as a reward for my efforts. But I came to realize that empty feeling was not something to fill, it was more like a weight on my chest waiting to be released.

The day you noticed my absence, and begged to hold my hand, I felt that weight getting a bit heavier. So I yelled at you to leave. You kept asking me ‘why’, but the twists of my tongue remained tangled. This is why. I didn’t want that weight anymore. But I didn’t know how to say it then, your presence still gave me goosebumps.

A part of me always felt as though I abandoned you. I was the greatest thing in your life, but you were the weight in mine. So I needed to say goodbye to that part of us.

Although you took pieces of me with you, I do not regret the 4am conversations where I lulled you back to sleep, because they helped me find my greatness. But I will always wish that less of myself was lost on the road to this discovery.

Love you always| Want you never again,

Kleema Mac